a city boy's guide to the south

Welcome, friend, to the ramblings of a southerner by choice.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

100 Insults For A Ball Hogging Dodge Ball Opponent!

Dodgeball 100 October 18, 2011 9:05 PM Birmingham, AL
Written by: Edward J. O’Brien, aka Ned O’Brien, aka ejjobrien

100 Insults For A:
                Ball Hogging Dodge Ball Opponent:

It's dodge ball, not lodged ball!
Hamlet didn't talk to Yoric that long!
What have you got?  Sphere of failure?
I've had stocks I didn't hold onto that long.
There's no such thing as a buzzer beater here!

Rubber fetishes involve your whole body!
Will they give you a new car if you keep your hands on it another hour?
Even Mary never held Jesus that tight!.
Thank God you haven't moved! You could have been called for traveling!
Robocop called!  Adjust your target acquisition!

Wall Street called.  You're occupying too much space!
I'll bet even Yokozuna could steal second on you.  And thirds... And fourths...
Hollywood called.  They can't give you your own action flick.
If you were Tom Brady, you'd be on your ass by now!
I've already given you the signal; it's supposed to be a curve ball!

Try it, you'll like it!
eBay called. Nobody's buying your act!
Rubber Duckie, you're the one.  You can make my bath time fun...
Stall that much, you could run for Congress.   Make that walk...
You'd hate Vegas.  Too much action...

Need a windup key installed up your backside?
At least in the Nutcracker, the toys came to life!
What's the matter?  Daddy didn't pitch catch with you?
Dirty Harry had more bullets in his gun than you do.

Can I borrow that?  Want to see if it works.

Let the schwartz be with you, Luke.
Did you know MythBusters proved those things can explode left unattended?
You waiting for better odds?
If you like, we can play four-square.  It's a sharing game...
No wonder you failed at marketing!  You couldn't pitch your ideas.

Delay of Game!  Offense!
You know, Al Oerter had this move where he'd spin before he shot put...
If we still measured by the stone's throw, you'd keep us in the dark ages.
Go Tex! Go Tex! Stop the Crimson Tide!
Last time someone stared at me that long, I got married.

Paul Masson called.  It's time!
Karl Malden called.  He said, “ Don't leave here with it”.
Somewhere my love…
Did you just birth that?
I'd trust my good clothes in a dunk tank....

Are you waiting to be President to throw the first pitch?
You 'd take two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
The Headless Horseman called.  You ride tomorrow..
Holding the ball is low, man. If a grasshopper farted, you’d get sand in your eyes!

Oh my God! Put your finger back IN your nose!
They call it a ball, not a sandwich!
Are you auditioning for a sculpture?
Did your mom forget your permission slip to play?
Are you waiting for an engraved invitation from the queen?

Why do mice have such small balls? Because so few mice know how to dance!
Are you posing for Muscle World?
Hey, out front just called. They want their traffic cop back!
It’s a ball. It’s a rubber ball. It moves. It has life…
Eye tests were yesterday.

It puts the ball in the air. It puts the ball in the air…
Stop dancing around! You’re squashing the mice!
And here we have the bust of the immortal (enemy name here), still clutching the one ball he was born with.
Your granddad called. He wants his truss back.
It’s dodge ball, not codger-ball!

Next week called.  They wanna know if should they look for you here?
At least the Tower of London leans…
Earth’s center called. They don’t need any help in gravity control.
You think you can love that thing like Tom Hanks did?
What are you, one shining beacon?

At least Newton TESTED the theory of motion!
Get naked! You and the David statue could pose off!
No! No! It’s not a substitute for a cup!
No! No! In your mouth, not in your ear!
If you’re going to stand there, at least put your good head on…

(singing) 100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer…
We’re here, on the last green. He picks a club! No! He surveys the shot… He picks a club.. No..
Use it as a thigh master, why don’t you?
What are you posing for a King Tut‘s tomb?
Put some hair on me. Think you could hit it?
Put some hair on it, it'd be your twin.

At least the Statue of Liberty had a play named after it.
Mount Rushmore called. They said they’re changing their name to Rush Less.
Ben Stiller called. Can he have that doughnut?
You VILL throw the ball better. You VILL throw more velocity.
Forget your Fruity Pebbles this morning?

Dodge! Duck! Dive! Defend! Dodge!
Put the ball down, we'll just have a stare off...
If you love it, you must let it go...
The governor called. Take off that ankle bracelet and leave the house!
King Tut called. He said stop stealing his look.

At least cross your arms; be easier gettin’ you in the casket that way…
Dr. Kervorkian called. Will 2:00 this afternoon work for you?
Even in the Irish jig, you move your legs!
Call the medic! It’s Tommy John syndrome!
What do you want on your tombstone?

With one for the other side, you could be Dolly Parton.
Some people have cannons. Some people have rifles. You have a pop gun.
Aristotle’s conundrum only works if the ball gets halfway here!
You couldn’t even hit the showers.
You going to take that home as a door prize?

Are you checking to see if the air hole is your size?
Is that your new bust enhancer?
That's gross!  Stop feelin' yore mama!
I hear your girlfriend's growing one too!
If it starts turning green, get surgery!

Put it on your head and you'd be a double dip!
Why isn't your other one that size?
Oh My God! No wonder you had it removed!
I'm quitting at 99.

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